Winter evenings can drag. Cold, dark nights in front of the telly have a novelty value but if I have to sit through one more episode of Friends on E4 I think the goggle box could be launched out of the window.


 One night last week during dinner I could tell that something was pre-occupying the good lady. As she manfully chewed through the latest mouthful of my burnt offerings she put down her knife and folk and asking (in all seriousness), “Who do you think would win a fight between Gary Barlow and Ronan Keating?”.

 
 Now, I have wrestled with many weighty issues in my time but I never thought I would have to deal with that one. The idea of two past it pop stars, now proud family men, going at it is barely worth consideration. Besides which Ozzie Osbourne would blatantly mash them both into pulp, even now.


The idea though wouldn’t leave my head. Who could beat up who? Its like the law of the playground, working out who is the toughest nut and tagging along for protection. Please feel free to dispute any of the results I forecast below:-


Ladeez and Gentlemen now entering the ring…. 
                                    

Shane Warne V Monty Panesar .


The battle of the tweakers, difficult to take Monty over Shane on Cricketing ability but what about in a case of fisticuffs? Warney obviously has the advantage in weight and experience but they do say to be wary of the quiet ones and our Monty with his cloth turban does give a glimmer of the ninja image. Besides which if it does get tasty Monty has demonstrated time and again he can leap like a gazelle and get out of trouble.


Verdict? A late stoppage for the Aussie leg spin wizard although it could be over sooner if a burger or ten rested on it

 

Alex Ferguson V Arsene Wenger

You get the feeling this one has been waiting to happen for quite some time, many a time on the touchline the chieftans of their respective tribes have lost their tempers and in more ways than one you suspected it might be all about to kick off.


 It would take a leap of the imagination to suggest this could be anything other than a mismatch, the Glaswegian against the cerebral Frenchman. Well, that is unless the glasses actually mask the reincarnation of Hong Kong Phuee but that has to be considered an outside bet. Ferguson’s hairdryer technique is legendary and it is difficult imagining Wenger injuring Thierry Henry with an errant ‘Predator’ boot.


Verdict? A first round knockout for the United Manager. The Scotsman plainly has too much for the Frenchman whose nation have showed dubious fighting qualities in recent encounters

 

Phil Taylor V Jocky Wilson


A new versus old punch up on the ‘oche’. Do you go with the 13 time world champion (considering the opposition this is not as impressive as it sounds) or the old favourite from North of the Border?


 Sure, Phil Taylor is the young and fitter, relatively speaking, man but Jocky comes from a by gone age. An age when they still wore the ridiculous shirts on stage but they also knocked back pint after pint of ale and several fags a minute. These days when the protagonists have cleaned up their act they might be OK with their bitter lemons but could they hack 5 pints of Special Brew whilst throwing the old arrows? I have to tell you that  I don’t think Taylor, for all his world titles, is up to it.


Verdict? An early night for Jocky Wilson. Personally speaking I would think twice about tangling with any ex coal miner from Kirkcaldy and let’s not forget he did it all without the need for some poncy American style nickname.

 


Matt Dawson V Ally McCoist


Now this one is tricky, its also difficult to imagine a recording of A Question of Sport getting that far out of hand but you never know….


You have to say that an ex-International Rugby Player would know how to look after himself even if he was one of those lilly livered lads in the back division who never get their shorts dirty. To balance this one up anybody who has had to partake in the whiteheat of an Old Firm encounter on a regular basis might well know the difference between a right hook and a left cross, this compared to Dawson who nowadays appears better suited to differentiating between a Foxtrot and a Tango.


Verdict? On balance you would have to with Dawson by a split decision. I have no doubt the baby faced former Scotland Striker would give it a go but Dawson does look like he has hit more branches of the Ugly tree on the way down and perhaps he has those for a reason.


And now the main event of the evening….

 

Merv Hughes V Graeme Gooch

 

Now this truly would be a heavyweight contest. The two men who appear to have been separated at birth would meet in a battle of continents, culture and worrying facial hair.

 On one hand you would have big Merv. A whole hearted trier, a fast bowler who time and again lifted crowds with his eccentricities and colourful antics. Even his pre bowling warm up attracted a cult following as thousands would replicate his bends and stretches in the stands behind. 

 In the other corner would be Graeme Gooch, a slightly dour opening bat for Essex and England who came back from a poor opening in Test Cricket (OK, he got a Pair) to be the leading light in some pretty dark times for English cricket. Although he has membership in the very select band of Test Match Triple hundred makers perhaps his best innings was a knock of 150 to see off the West Indies at Headingly. At times he appeared to be the only Englishman capable of resisting Shane Warne for any length of time.


Verdict? Much like the recent Ashes series it is difficult to see this going anyway but to the Antipodiean. Don’t get me wrong, Gooch’s moustache in his prime was pretty bad but it could it no way compete with the droopy, Village People-esque handlebar of the Victoria quick.