Just a month ago I was taking a (barely earned) pre season holiday in North America.

 

 Whilst avoiding the many temptations to eat myself to death I sampled much of what that particular continent has to offer. I came away possibly none the wiser but richer for the experience.

 

 It is easy to point a finger and laugh at how the ‘Drive Through’ Americans (and to a lesser extent) Canadians live their lives, but can you imagine what they might say if the situations were reversed?

 

Cricket:- English version of Baseball. Can last for five days and still sometimes no-one wins. In most cases both teams wear the same colour uniform and there appears to be a rule whereby the Australian always comes out on top. Sometimes if the ball hits a guys legs they all go nuts, the referee tries to stick his finger up his nose and the batter walks slowly off. Weird man!

 

The Queen:- Old woman who lives in a big house in London. In theory in charge of the country but these days watches horse racing and keeps ankle biting dogs. Seems to get the job of head of state by some kind of family stitch up, wonder if they are related to the Bush family?

 

Pantomime:- If they showed this in the Deep South there would be some kind of riot. All the men dress up as women and the lead role is always a woman playing a man. It also seems that audience participation is actually encouraged and one person seems to come onto stage with the express purpose of being heckled and booed by eight year old children. Good always beats bad in the end but unless you can shout, ”He’s behind you”, you’ll never fit in

 

Eurovision:- Now this really is pretty screwed up. 20 odd nations of Europe enter a song into some kind of festival where every country gets to vote who is best despite huge language and cultural differences. The Limey’s have a commentator who is actually Irish (???!!!!???) who spends the entire evening destroying the whole thing. Greece and Cyprus always vote for each other.

 

Queuing:- For some reason the Brits love nothing better than to queue, they all seem to do it without  bother, in perfect formation and to complain seems to be SO against the rules.

 

Obesity:- The food police are on every corner, man. There appears to be a real drive against unhealthy eating and anything which may make you an ounce over what you apparently should be. Hey, they think they have a problem with obesity, they should have a look and see what we have? Still, I suppose being American we have to do everything bigger and better than anyone else, including fatness.

 

 Rugby:- A mixture of Gridiron, wrestling and all out carnage. 15 men chase an egg shaped ball around a muddy field slowly beating each other to a pulp without wearing any padding. You can only pass the ball backwards and anyone who is on the floor seems fair game for a good kicking, at the end of the game it is customary for the protagonists to drink themselves into a stupor.

 

Prime Ministers Questions:-  Now most of British Politics is comparatively polite but this is out of the Middle Ages. The Prime Minister comes into the House Of Commons (House of Representatives) and sits on one side, the leader of the Opposition sits on the other then spends the next half an hour in front of all the other politicians and the TV cameras pitching for the Prime Ministers job. Everyone shouts A LOT and then everyone goes away saying their man won, why can’t they be like us and invade a country and be done with it?

 

Fish and Chips:- Used to be the British signature dish. You take French Fries and rename them chips, then take a whale sized piece of fish and fry it to heart attack levels coated in a particularly fatty batter. If you wish to be completely unsociable the next day some people add a portion of ‘mushy peas’ (a bit like lumpy Guccamole) which is like methane dynamite.

 

Rioting:- Around the mid 1970’s some people thought it would be a good idea to liven up games of Soccer by ignoring the action on the pitch and starting large scale fights inside and outside the ground, most clubs had a team of the pitch and a team (or firm) off it. These days the club mascots are more likely to fight than the fans although spotty 14 year olds still yell out ,”Come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough”, but would run behind their mom’s apron strings if a visiting fan ever took them up on the offer.

 

 Thinking about all of that, who should be laughing at who?